Let your fingers do the talking
by harmless sociopath
Summary: Sherlock Holmes is not the most cooperative person when it comes to sexting.
1. Chapter 1

**This is a texts-based fanfic I wrote together with Marta (coffee-mill on here, your-bespoke-psychopath on tumblr). She wrote most of this, so you should all give her a big hug if you like this fic! It's very unlike any of my other fanfics. It's a collection of texts in which Irene is flirting/sexting with (sorry,_ at_) Sherlock. It's bordering on crack, but I hope you enjoy!**

* * *

Let's have dinner.

You're dead. -SH

I could still come over. And who knows, maybe even _come_.

Why would you come twice? -SH

Oh, who wouldn't like to come twice, Mr. Holmes?

Ask John if you don't believe me.

John choked on his tea when I asked him. -SH

Did you set me up with that 'ask John' part? -SH

Setting you up? Don't be so suspicious, Mister Holmes. I could come over and explain it to you. I bet I could make you come within 2 minutes

Two minutes? What a ridiculous calculation. It's highly unlikely in a vast city such as London to get anywhere within two minutes. -SH

Do you want me to come or not?

Not that again. -SH

But I have not come yet. Mr. Holmes, have some mercy for a girl.

I thought you didn't like begging people. -SH

Fair point well made.

* * *

Have you ever even had anyone?

I don't understand. -SH

Oh, don't play daft. Have you ever had anyone?

I have my skull, it's good enough for me. -SH

Darling, I'm much softer than your skull and _much more_ fun to play with.

I was past the age of playing when I turned 5. Boring. -SH

* * *

Tell me what you're wearing.

I don't see the significance nor the importance of that information -SH

If you prefer, I could tell you what I'm wearing.

You're naked, obviously. -SH

Well, I still have the radio on.

* * *

Deduce me, Mister Holmes.

You're naked. Again. It's getting predictable. –SH

Pulse elevated too, I'd imagine. –SH

Wouldn't you like to know?

Don't catch a cold, Miss Adler –SH

Don't worry, I have someone to keep me warm.

I can imagine. -SH

Oh no. You have no idea, darling.

But I could show you one day.

* * *

Let's be indelicate then.

I'm so wet.

How can you possibly be wet - it isn't raining and it's highly unlikely you're texting in the shower. You wouldn't want to ruin your phone. -SH

* * *

I'm bored tonight. Let's have dinner.

I'm not hungry. -SH

Good. I didn't mean food.

Tell me something dirty.

Mud? -SH

Are you solving a crossword? -SH

Why would I be solving a crossword?

You wanted me to find you a dirty word. -SH

Oh, Mr. Holmes. You are clueless, aren't you?

Compared to other people, I am brilliant. -SH

And modest.

Still: clueless.

Ask John to tell you something dirty.

I'm not asking John again. -SH

Quick learner, aren't you?

Yes. -SH

I wonder if you learn that quickly when it comes to other things.

Probably, yes. -SH

Would you like me to try? To test you, I mean?

I'm the most demanding teacher. I won't be satisfied easily.

Test what? -SH

Oh. Still clueless. It's rather charming, I must say.

Call it an "experiment."

For science? -SH

It certainly does involve chemicals, I'd say.

* * *

You can always leave your hat on.

Excuse me? -SH

You can leave your hat on, Mr. Holmes.

What hat? -SH

Your funny hat.

I got rid of it. -SH

Oh, that's a shame! I liked that hat.

But why would I leave the hat on? And when? -SH

Ask Joe Cocker.

You know I'm not interested in trivia. Is he a porn star? -SH

Google him.

Last time you told me to google something, John walked on me when I was reading about rampant rabbits. -SH

I knew you would be thorough, if you come over I'll show you how it works.

I understand the mechanism perfectly. -SH

Oh, I'm sure you do. But did you ever see how it works?

Goodnight, Miss Adler -SH

* * *

I'm bored. -SH

I'm busy.

BORED. -SH

BORED. -SH

Everything is boring. -SH

I'm busy, go talk to John.

You're dead. You can't be busy. -SH

And John has a date with his new girlfriend. -SH

Before you ask, I'm not jealous. -SH

And Mrs. Hudson took away my skull. -SH

BORED. -SH

What are you doing? -SH

Give me a clue. -SH

Oh, stop it, I'm busy.

I'm bored. -SH

I need a case. -SH

... -SH

Ask Lestrade for a case.

Solved them all. -SH

Even the cold cases? I could ask Greg to send them to you if you promise to stop bothering me.

Greg? -SH

GREG? -SH

How do you know his first name? -SH

Let me guess, you know what he likes. -SH

What are you doing? -SH

Who.

What? -SH

You should have asked 'who are you doing?'

* * *

Could you pick up my dress from the dry cleaners? Will repay you later.

Wrong number? -SH

Yes. Meant to sent that to Kate.

Although the last part still stands.

* * *

You're so small -SH

What?

You're tiny -SH

I bet you would fit in my pocket -SH

Are you drunk?

I'd carry you in a pocket of my coat -SH

You are drunk.

Am not -SH

You are.

Not. -SH

Maybe a bit intoxicated -SH

But you're tiny even when I'm sober -SH

And I'd keep you in my pocket -SH

I'd carry you with me all the time -SH

Oh boy, this is getting rather entertaining.

Pocket dominatrix -SH

What?

You'd be a pocket dominatrix -SH

How much did you have to drink?

Just a few beers. And then a few shots of vodka. And then tequila. -SH

Poor boy. You're going to feel that in the morning. Wish I could be there to watch you suffer.

And I am so keeping these texts.

Considering showing them to John. And Mycroft. And everyone who knows you.

Mr. Holmes?

Goodnight, Mr. Holmes.


	2. Chapter 2

**Point two of this fic. Thank you all so much for your lovely responses! This part is perhaps a bit more daring than part 1. Enjoy!**

* * *

Has your hangover passed yet?

Your concern is touching, but I've had worse. –SH

Are you not interested in knowing how I know about your situation?

I fail to remember anything that happened last night, whatever you've gathered, it couldn't have been very interesting. –SH

You couldn't be more wrong.

Look at your sent texts.

Mr. Holmes?

Thought so.

* * *

Deduce me with your massive

My massive what? –SH

Intellect.

And anything else of yours that is massive.

* * *

Come at once if convenient. If inconvenient, come anyway. –SH

Someone's gotten all strict. Not that I mind.

And I will happily come for you, Mr. Holmes.

Meant to sent it to John. –SH

Your doctor is a lucky boy then.

And you know how to hurt a girl's heart.

* * *

I heard that you solved the new case even quicker than usual.

How do you know that? John hasn't put it on his blog yet. –SH

I still know a nice policeman.

He said that it was impressive how you solved the case, even by your standards.

So tell me - how did you do it?

After I checked the victim's pockets, it was transparent, really. –SH

What was in the pocket?

Bread crumbs –SH

You solved the case thanks to break crumbs?

Yes -SH.

How long did it take you?

90 minutes, give or take –SH

Mr. Holmes?

Yes? –SH

I would ride you until your knees buckle.

And I'd put my riding crop to a good use.

* * *

The latest entry on John's blog is hilarious!

Do you really not know who Robbie Williams is?

As I stated before, I do not concern myself with trivia. –SH

And I don't see why this is funny. –SH

Oh, you're always so serious.

You should loosen up.

I could help you with that.

* * *

Guess what I'm watching?

How am I supposed to know? Despite my reputation I do not know literally everything, but I'd say it's a video. –SH

A hilarious one. Of you.

Aren't you just adorable?

What are you talking about? –SH

The video of you that was taken in my flat.

You mean the one made after you drugged me? –SH

Precisely.

It's hilarious!

You keep on muttering something about 'that vile wench'.

Should I be offended?

How did you get hold of this video? –SH

You got hold of Lestrade, am I right? –SH

Again -SH?

I do not kiss and tell, Mr. Holmes.

I hit and scream.

Yes, I know something about that. –SH

We could repeat it you know. But this time I could stay and take care of you.

And even though I am sure that John did a splendid job last time, I'd be more… attentive.

No, thank you. –SH

Spoilsport.

* * *

I need some, get me some! – SH

I knew you would give in eventually. I'm on my way.

Meant to send that to John –SH

To clarify, I need cigarettes –SH

You can smoke one after I'm done with you.

* * *

I'm sad today.

Let's have dinner.

However attractive your offer might sound to other people, I'm not interested. Besides, I'm not available. –SH

John's taking me to buy new shoes. –SH

This pair got spoiled by chemicals. –SH

You do have big feet, Mr. Holmes.

You know what they say about men with big feet.

They need big shoes, don't be so obvious. –SH

* * *

I know for a fact that John is going out tonight. Do you want me to keep you company?

I'm aware, he came home with a new toothbrush. And no. I can take care of myself. –SH.

Well, I didn't know because of the toothbrush.

Then how did you? -SH

Let's just say his new girlfriend is sort of tied up at the moment.

Do me a favor, don't tell John just yet. I want to have a laugh.

* * *

Happy birthday, Mr. Holmes.

Why is there a huge box on my desk? –SH

It's your present.

What's in it? –SH

You need to open it to see.

I know better than to open things that come from you. –SH

Don't worry, there are no explosives in there.

I have hard time believing you. –SH

I'm flattered.

But go on, birthday boy - open your present.

No. –SH

Fine, if you want to act like a 5 year old, be my guest.

Although I think you'd like it.

Why there are around 300 files of cold cases in that box? –SH

365 to be precise. One files for each day of the year, until your next birthday. To keep that massive brain of yours in shape.

My brain is perfect shape -SH.

How did you get hold of files from 1930s? –SH

I know a man. And I know what he likes. And he happened to collect various files of cold cases.

Don't you like the present, Mr. Holmes? Should I have sent a stripper instead?

I think that she'd be more suitable for John's birthday party though.

You know, if you really don't like this present, I can always come over. I'd wrap myself in a red bow.

I would even take my riding crop with me. How does it sound?

The answer to the first case was obvious. Transparent, really. –SH

I guess it's a 'no' to my offer. What a shame!

I can still come over, you know. What is a birthday party without a proper birthday spanking?

I appreciate the offer, but I'll pass. –SH

Miss Adler? –SH

Yes?

Thank you. -SH


	3. Chapter 3

**And here is the third part of this fic! (This might be the last part, since we're running out of innuendos!) **

**If you're wondering what kind of figures are meant in this chapter, google BBC Sherlock Shimeji. Yes, that kind of figures.**

* * *

Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?

No, hold on.

Is that a dominatrix in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Your sense of humour is beyond me. -SH

It did make you smile though.

It did not. -SH

I know it did, mister Holmes. I'm watching you.

No you're not. -SH

You're out on the street and you just pretended to tie your laces to listen to a conversation of the couple you're following. Classic manoeuvre there.

If anything, it was a grimace, not a smile. -SH

You might want to get your eyes checked. -SH

* * *

What are you up to, Miss Adler? -SH

Excuse me?

You haven't text me in the last few days. You haven't offered me dinner. You have not misbehaved. -SH

The only logical conclusion is that you are up to something bigger. -SH

Wouldn't go as far as saying I have not misbehaved.

Still, you have not pestered me for the past few days. -SH

Did you miss me, Mr. Holmes?

No. Don't be absurd. -SH

Because if you did, you should've texted me. Or call me. I'm sure we could have a very interesting talk.

I did not miss you. -SH

If you say so.

I did not miss you! -SH

I did understand you perfectly the first time, Mr. Holmes.

I am merely making sure you did not make false assumptions. -SH

I did not miss you. -SH

The lady doth protest too much, methinks.

Don't be ridiculous. -SH

John said on his blog that in the past few days, you've been even more grumpy than usual.

Just pointing that out.

No snarky and witty remark, Mr. Holmes?

Have a good day, Miss Adler. -SH

* * *

Let's have dinner.

I'm not hungry. -SH

Perhaps you would like to eat out?

I told you - I'm not hungry.

Oh, Mr. Holmes. You are far too precious for your own good.

* * *

I found this hilarious website.

Did you know people write stories about you and John?

Stories? -SH

Yes, stories. Involving sex, mainly. Although, I have to say, lots of the descriptive parts are physically impossible.

I just read this one where John ties you to the bed and-

Do you want me to continue?

No. -SH

Too bad, you're missing out. It's really amusing.

I might submit one myself.

* * *

If I were you, I'd find another place to spend the night, Mr. Holmes.

Why is that? -SH

John's new girlfriend is coming over.

And? -SH

She's quite the screamer.

Trust me, I have firsthand knowledge.

You're forgetting that I prefer not to sleep, so it doesn't matter if John's girlfriend keeps me awake. -SH

Sleeping is dull, miss Adler. -SH

It's not dull if you're doing it with me.

Also: John's girlfriend keeping you awake? Kinky, Sherlock dear.

* * *

What did you do to John's blog? -SH

Mr. Holmes, I have no idea what you're talking about. And I feel a bit hurt that you accuse me without proper evidence.

You know what I'm talking about. The figures on John's blog. Figures that resemble me, John, Lestrade. -SH

And even my brother! -SH

How do you know I'm the one to blame?

The figures are naked. -SH

I confess nothing, Mr. Holmes.

Delete them -SH

I cannot delete something I did not do. Besides, they're adorable!

Did you know that you can move the figures? if I put you and John near each other, it looks like you're hugging. Lovely!

Very amusing, Miss Adler, but now please - delete these things. -SH

Did you see that your darling brother has his umbrella?

Yes, I did notice it. really impressive eye for the details. -SH

But now, delete it. -SH

The umbrella? Well, the figure of your brother seems to be holding it in a rather strategic place and deleting the umbrella would result in uncovering his...

I get the picture. -SH

* * *

And I meant that you should delete all the figures. -SH

I could add your skull there.

Delete. -SH

I don't know... Shouldn't you be more polite when asking me for something like this?

Miss Adler, could you please delete these god awful figures from John's blog? -SH

Twice.

Excuse me? -SH

Ask me twice. Politely.

Miss Adler, delete these figures from the blog. Please. -SH

Of course, Mr. Holmes. and thank you.

For what? -SH

Now I know that I could make you beg.

Twice.

* * *

Look at your site, Mr. Holmes.

What is that thing? -SH

It's a pocket dominatrix. You wanted one and here it is!

I do not want it on my site -SH

My site is for professional purposes -SH

Yes, I know, you wanted to have me in your coat's pocket. Sadly, I do not fit there, darling.

Although I did fit - rather well - in your coat. Even though it has ridiculously long sleeves.

I think I might've looked in it better than you do. Maybe you should give it to me?

Delete it -SH

Your coat? If I deleted it, I'd be naked. are you trying to undress me, Mr. Holmes?

You know what I mean -SH

Delete the figure from my site -SH

I think you forgot about something.

Please -SH

Good boy.


End file.
